Why am I crying?

Yesterday at 11:14pm

I have just set aside the entire day to witness a very important event in Philippine history. And I mean the entire day because the whole interment ceremonies of Former President Corazon Cojuangco Aquino stretched up to more than 12 hours. And I spent most of the entire twelve hours crying intermittently.

Being anti-TV has its disadvantage. Now I have to go to a friend’s house to be able to watch the whole proceeding. I had kidded her that I needed to cry with somebody in moments like these. But when I felt like really crying, I withdrew to the back of the room to do it. I can’t do the ‘tears silently rolling down the cheeks’ type of crying. I make a bit of sound and tend to sob lest I faint and it could be embarrassing.

I am not surprised that I am crying. I have sat in church when I unwittingly chance upon interment rites and would cry shamelessly with people I do not know for their deceased. This time I wanted to look closer at the grief that is washing over me.

Why then am I shedding these tears?

I am crying at the thought of how insignificant my life is compared to this woman. In the simplest way I possibly could, how many lives have I touched? How many lives have I helped improve? How many people are living better lives because of me? She, as human as each of us could possibly get, is weaving this magic that have driven people out of their homes to pay their outpouring gratitude and respect. I cry at the loss of opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others.

I am also crying for the most obvious reason and that is I empathize with the family in their loss. I see a family saying goodbye to their mother and all the pain and emptiness of losing my own mother come to the fore. The heart-wrenching pain seems as fresh as yesterday’s heartache.

And then I look deeper and realize that I am actually crying for our country, for us the entire Filipino people. We are no less orphaned than Kris Aquino is. It hurts that this moment of quiet, genuine pride is also a moment of great loss. It feels like the country’s last ray of hope has eventually vanished. The ordinary woman who has shown the world that she and her people can restore democracy in a peaceful manner is gone forever. We have lost the nation’s moral compass. We have lost the person against whom we can rightfully measure the integrity of our leaders. No, I am not crying. I am weeping for our nation. What will happen to us now? Who will stand as an impeccable example of selfless love for our country to us and the coming generations? Bishop Soc Villegas said that it will take a long time before we meet another woman like her. That is the truth. That is a painful reality when our country has proven that we have only so far conquered tyranny, abuses and greed through someone as simple, ordinary and honest as her. But Bishop Villegas also said that she is not ours; she is God’s. And the least we could do is to thank Him for putting in our midst a shining model of integrity, simplicity, strength, grace and immeasurable love of country.

And now that we have said goodbye to her, we have to move on and take a step collectively forward as a nation. A step that is only possible if we keep the flames of democracy that she has ignited burning in our hearts.

May Tita Cory’s legacy live in our hearts long after we have paid our last respect and the tears in our eyes have dried.

Godspeed President Cory and thank you.