snubbed

how will you feel if the person you adorned with the title 'the one who changed my life forever' snubs you? not once. for the third and hopefully the last time because i don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. huhuhu. no, i'm not literally crying. i have said before that it doesn't matter if we don't really end up together. IT WAS ENOUGH THAT HE CAME INTO MY LIFE AND MADE ME SEE A LOT OF THINGS DIFFERENTLY. as i said before, he made me want to be alive again. not necessarily because of him or for him. i simply want to be alive again after knowing him. tell me if it's making sense. at all.

we stopped communicating for quite sometime. after a volley of emails which he actually started, suddenly all i got from his court was silence. i said something dumb. i think it could be the reason. no, i didn't allude about a future together. not to that extent of stupidity. i just made a very narrow minded observation about something. me and my big mouth. so i gave him time. after a few months, i emailed again. silence again. how many silences could i endure? i gave it another try on his birthday. silence still. painful silence. and then one day, i was visiting one of my social networking sites and found that he was online. should i still bother? my hands became clammy just thinking about whether or not to do it. why not give it one final try? he could just have totally ignored me. but what he did was a bit mean. at least from my wounded point of view. he logged off!!!

maybe somehow i had a fear that it might end in this manner. that it was never really meant to be. and i just deluded my sorry self. but still, to officially stop expecting anything from him is so final. no endings are easy. not even happy ones. maybe more so for happy ones because you will wonder what happens next now? when happiness ends, it could give way to some sadness. or the journey to happiness starts again. in this case, when the expecting ends, i would have to deal with being sad about it. luckily for me. when sadness ends happiness rushes right in. how bad can it be. surely, nothing can end in such a disaster if we just keep on keeping on. after all, life is really just a cycle. vicious maybe depending on your position. but one can always choose joyful. life can be one joyful cycle. and mine just takes on a new rotation now.